Overheard

There used to be a tabloid that collected things people overheard on public transport, including some of the announcements.

I saved some of the best ones before the paper went bust.

Overheard on the trains:

Train guard announcement: "Please sit back and enjoy the journey as we glide along these shiny rivers of steel."

Train guard announcement: "Passengers are reminded not to hurl themselves from a 280 tonne train, being dragged along behind to their ultimate untimely demise and delaying their fellow passengers."

Train guard announcement: "Apologies for the delay at this station, due to a problem with the signals that has only been an issue for 16 years. It has now been reported again, but will probably never be fixed. Once again, apologies for the delay on account of an incompetent rail service."

Platform officer: "Please stand clear of the striped area, or a trap door will come up and swallow you.
Girl: "Oh my god, really?"
Platform officers: "Yeah, there's even a dragon."

Train guard announcement: "When you get off this train, please make sure you have all your belongings with you, such as your umbrella, handbag, or pet giraffe."

Train guard announcement: "Please make sure you haven't left anything behind. Especially children, as we do not have a holding pen for children left behind."

Angry man on crowded train: "Move over, now!"
Passenger: "I'm so close to the guy next to me I might as well hold his hand. If you insist, I could ask him for a piggy back too. Just pretend to be a sardine like the rest of us."

Guy: "If they sold brains, you would be getting one for Christmas."
Girl: "If they sold arseholes, you would be for sale."

Guy 1: "Man, you are hot!"
Guy 2: "Thanks, but I'm straight."
Guy 1: "That's very presumptuous of you. I never asked you for sex."

Guy: "It would never have worked; I was a Sagittarius and she was a lesbian."